The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
