i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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