I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
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