i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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