She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
don't judge my taste in strippers
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
