we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
