Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
