There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
