You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
