K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
