Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
