I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
