I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
