Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
4 words: hood of his car
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
