Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i used baking grease as lip gloss
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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