i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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