My balls are so social today.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
