You smell like stripper and shame
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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