I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
