can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
