well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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