I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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