the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
