Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
