We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
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