I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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