Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
