He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.