Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
