Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
