Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
