I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
