sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
