i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
