Small penises have feelings too.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
