it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
