Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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