i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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