We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
