so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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