You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
