i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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