Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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