I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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