I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
