So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
