I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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