no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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