You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
