He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
