broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
