Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
