I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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