I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
