I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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