omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
