I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
