How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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