I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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