New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
