It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
